Blended families are often reminiscent of the television series The Brady Bunch (depending on your age). On television, the Brady family appears to navigate life with ease—wouldn’t that be nice? However, one major difference between your blended family and The Brady Bunch is the absence of an ex-spouse in the show. In reality, interactions with an ex are often an unavoidable part of blended family life. Two of the biggest challenges faced by blended families today involve discipline and holiday celebrations.
Discipline and Blended Families
Anyone in a healthy relationship knows that love and bonding set the foundation for trust and stability. However, when it comes to children and adults, this relationship must also include rules and boundaries. Without a clear set of limitations, even a loving relationship between an adult and a child can become chaotic. For a stepparent, forming a bond with a stepchild can be a daunting challenge.
A teacher, a police officer, or another authority figure can set rules without establishing an emotional connection with a child; in these cases, the relationship is purely authoritarian. However, a stepparent cannot succeed in a blended family using this same approach. So, how can a stepparent develop a healthy and balanced relationship with a stepchild?
Borrowed Power
There is a concept called “borrowed power” that can help facilitate discipline in blended families. Consider the case of a babysitter: a babysitter may spend significant time with children, but if given the opportunity, children may challenge their authority. A babysitter can only maintain a safe and structured environment through borrowed power—that is, power transferred from the parents. The parents explicitly grant the babysitter authority, ensuring the children recognize and respect their role.
Similarly, a stepparent can only set boundaries effectively if they receive authority from the biological parent. This is the essence of borrowed power. For this arrangement to be successful, the parent must communicate to their child that the stepparent has their full support in enforcing household rules.
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How Can This Be Successful?
To implement borrowed power effectively, consider these key steps:
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The biological parent must clearly articulate to the child that the stepparent has their support and authority to set boundaries.
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The stepparent must agree to accept this responsibility and role.
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If the parent and stepparent disagree on boundaries and discipline, discussions should happen privately—not in front of the child.
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The parent and stepparent should align on a consistent approach to discipline to prevent confusion and conflict.
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Any changes to the stepparent’s role in discipline should only happen through mutual agreement.
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The stepparent’s authority must always be balanced with a foundation of love and trust to avoid an overly authoritarian dynamic.
Holidays in Blended Families
Children of blended families often feel torn between parents during the holidays. They may struggle with choosing whom to spend time with, fearing they will hurt the other parent’s feelings.
One potential solution is to include both families in the holiday celebrations. While this requires a high level of cooperation between ex-spouses, it can ultimately provide a more harmonious experience for the children. When parents set aside their differences for the sake of their children, the holidays become less stressful and more joyful for everyone. Instead of feeling forced to choose, children can enjoy the presence of both parents and extended families.
Additionally, parents can create new traditions with their children. Exclusive activities such as carving pumpkins together, decorating a Christmas tree, or making Valentine’s Day cards can help children feel included and valued. These moments provide stability and warmth, helping to reinforce the bonds within the blended family.
Final Thoughts
Blended families face unique challenges, but with clear communication, mutual respect, and a commitment to the well-being of the children, these challenges can be successfully managed. By establishing boundaries through borrowed power and fostering cooperative holiday traditions, blended families can create a loving and supportive environment for everyone involved.
Happy Holidays!
Family Care Staff Writer
